The Lawrence Welk Show, SNL-style

Mr. Crazy isn't going to pray for me

“The problem is the Bush administration doesn’t really...”
— Naomi Klein, author of...

“I’m no scientist but I know what endorphins are…...”
— Ellen, October 1, 2008

“Side effects may include Chinese fire bones, brain whistle...”
— Stephen Colbert, The Colbert...

“Why can’t tomorrow be like yesterday?”
— Stephen Colbert, The Colbert...

“Here’s a smoking schedule for you. Fuck off!”
— Tabitha, Tabitha’s Salon...

“This is not about people’s personal feelings, this is...”
— Bill Clinton onThe Daily Show,...

“I know there’s a rule in the motherhood handbook that...”
— Heather Armstrong, September...

Some of what a Russian newspaper editorial had to say about...

McCain: 0%

Makin' Babies for VW

Thomas Friedman: Energy & Global Warming

Tax Plans: McCain v. Obama

before it's gone

Scotty: i say make use of the sun before it's gone
jan: eh... I'm in a hole
jan: it takes a lot for me to climb out
Scotty: in a hole?!
jan: I need lights at the ends of my tunnels
Scotty: yea i hear that
Scotty: i need food at the end of my tunnel

“What is the nature of Love? Love is a command to rise to...”
— Ayn Rand, Helen Mirren...

“What do Atheists yell during sex? Oh nothingness! Oh Charles...”
— Stephen Colbert 

“I do not believe in rules or regulations. For example, the...”
— Stephen Colbert, August...

Red Bull and Vodka: Upper and Downer

“See all these words I’m at a loss for? Maybe...”
— Dan Rubin as Michael Phelps

<3 2003 World Superbike Champion babes.

“Oh Lord, please help our athletes bring home the gold....”
— Stephen Colbert, The Colbert...

wishing

dan: yeah, I wish I could
jan: I wish I could get on a flight in an hour.
jan: stupid WISHES
dan: yeah
dan: how stupid of them to be connected to good ideas

“With that in mind, let’s decide who’s president...”
— Stephen Colbert to Kevin...

Tuesday Afternoon

E: gimme gimmi
jan1: gummy
E: Gummy
jan: bears
E: hairy gay men
jan: beasts
E: muppets
jan: bears, beets, battlestar galactica
“E” is away from the computer as of 1: 48:31 PM.

fishy criminals

dan: and time for you to sleep
dan: :P
jan: yes sir.
dan: good answer.
jan: you're a good answer.
dan: that I am :-)
dan: have a great day tomorrow
dan: I'll be at the beach
dan: in L.A.
dan: yay
jan: don't get eaten.
dan: I'll try not to.
jan: or poisoned
jan: or robbed.
dan: by sharks, trannies, or anyone else
jan: I just pictured a shark robbing you

creativity

p: i'm sure you look awsome
p: just go to the falls and be like fuck yeah jan is here
p: BOOM
jan: :c P
jan: did I bomb something after I said "fuck yeah jan is here" ?
p: no, something blew up
p: because you are super sexy
p: like a small vehicle
p: or a bimbo's head

stay that way

T: im really confused
jan: good.
jan: stay that way
T: as to how someone who doesn't know me would tell you about a girl i know
jan: word travels faster than the speed of snail
T: apparently

superman

jan: he says "like" a lot
jesus: he's gay.

“Did you get those buns from your daddy?”
— Nigel Lythgoe, Judge, to...

golf balls

z: my car is fucked
jan: what?!
jan: why?
z: god
z: what the fuck
z: cuz of the golfball sized hail
jan: didn't get that here
jan: just little peas
z: yeah
z: cheektowaga was fine
z: we literally had golf balls here
jan: literally!?
jan: wow, those are some magical clouds

“I’m stoked. I can’t even describe how happy I...”
— Jesse Taylor, UFC Season 7

“It was going so well until his mouth ruined it for his...”
— Jon Stewart about McCain

“Unfortunately it may be harder for teens to find summer work...”
— Stephen Colbert

“When I see the president do the chest bump, I can’t...”
— Jon Stewart about this

waking up

jan: I have to tell you
jan: that I am a weirdo
jan: okay okay, you already know
jan: but this morning, this is how I got out of bed:
jan: I convinced myself that I was getting electricuted
Carm: hahah whaat?
jan: my brain actually made the "bzzzz" sound
jan: I jump up
jan: and then I go into the bathroom, look at myself in the mirror,
jan: and say, "good one, Jib."
jan: I actually called myself THE WRONG NAME
Carm: hahahaha
jan: WOW.

“Now those are big science words. All I wanna know is…...”
— Stephen Colbert, Threatdown

“Woooo! Go! Wooooo…go team that lives near me! Destroy...”
— Stephen Colbert, Threatdown

fonts

jesus: i'm trying to decide what Hillary's favorite font is
jesus: oh i got it
jesus: Lucida Handwriting
jesus: definitely
jan: comic sans
jesus: no she's too classy for comic sans
jesus: she probably used comic sans when she sent Mr. Kennedy the after-supporting-obama email.
jesus: McCain probably likes courier
jesus: or anything that brings him back to when the printing press was still in use

pretty Alyson

jan: she's pretty
jan: looks too much like kate, but I'll get over it
T: yea she def is
T: i dunno who kate IS
jan: good.
T: i hate kate anyway
T: hollerrr
jan: thatttaaaboiii

facebook chat

Jessica: I'm going to go somewhere crazy now
you have awakened my lust
Jan: Ooooo
that's serious
I wish I could awaken everyone's lusts

“Just know inside that you won’t quit on yourself....”
— Forrest Griffin, coach,...

“Can I touch it? Seriously Joe, what’s the worst that...”
— Stephen Colbert at the Liberty...

unhappy with my job

nicholas: are you going to the meeting thursday?
janison1: yeah
janison1: and staying all day
janison1: and then shooting myself in the face
nicholas: what are you gonna do from like 11-1
janison1: shoot myself in the face
nicholas: for 2 hours straight??
nicholas: you must be a real bad shot
janison1: I am

“I’m just trying to give the American people a fair...”
— Democrat Evan Bayh

at best

janison1:  we love them that’s why we forgive them give them countless chances and want to...

Repeat after me, kids who are sponges and...

easter sunday

janison1: I don't go to to church
nicholas: neither do i
nicholas: i'm too young for church

Twitter Amnesia

janison1: I had a genius thing to write on twitter
janison1: but then I drank a glass of Bailey's because of John Legend and now I can't remember it

“He’s already said, “History will be my...”
— Jon Stewart to Bill Kristol...

“Whose side are you on?” “My side.”
— Jacob Weisberg and Stephen...

flavoreet tweets

jan: I want there to be a way to know who has favorited which tweets of mine.
jan: is that so much to ask?
pat: it is, apparently
pat: Twitter is dumb. they have a lot of data, but don't really do anything with it.
janison1: booooo.
janison1: two thumbs down.
pat: boo is right.
jan: I'm right about 10 times a year.

“uuuuuhkjjjjjjjj”
— Marten (kitty) on AIM

read this, take it in, digest it, and...

janison1: I was thinking about bullies
janison1: and how my parents always said... Just ignore them, because to acknowledge their existence was more than they deserved
janison1: isn't that a great reason not to even fight these "terrorists" ?
janison1: they're just bullies... when we fight them, it gives them more power
janison1: and some sort of legitimacy
janison1: but they're never going away
janison1: they can't be defeated
janison1: it's the dorky person fighting something he can never win against
janison1: and he's giving them more power by being humiliated trying
janison1: a report came out last week that claimed we can't even defend ourselves now because we've been concentrating so hard on the offensive
janison1: we should've just spent all this money on defense. on ourselves.
corey: well, i don't know. "winning" isn't really an objective term when we haven't defined it explicitly. Do we want to control everybody indirectly? Do we just want people to leave us alone? Do we want to abuse people of other countries and have people still judge us humane?
janison1: yeah, who knows what "we" want to do
janison1: that's why I'm saying it would've been better just to mind our business and defend
janison1: everything else is messy
janison1: and deadly
corey: winning to Bush seems like continued fighting. winning to everybody else seems to be keeping people safe. and then there are people that haven't thought of this. they think winning is just voting in people who want to win.
janison1: winning has always been big in America
janison1: it's almost like an instinct! "We better WIN!" when really that might not be the most important thing
janison1: winning is a messy concept itself... as you said no one knows what it means
janison1: I think there's no way to "win" because we can't defeat something that will always hate us and never go away.
janison1: but maybe we can semi-win if we just get the heck out of there and stop wasting money and human lives
corey: unless we just kill off the rest of the world. then who would serve us?
corey: winning without a loser around is like a silent orgasm. it's just wrong!
janison1: I think i'm going to blog about this
janison1: especially the orgasm part.

“Some songs have a special meaning for a man in regards to a...”
— Mitch Hedberg

“I would love to have the faith to believe that it took place...”
— Lewis Black, Creation

Pee

RJs: what's it mean when a dog stands on u?
jan: good luck for 40 days.
RJs: sweet
RJs: either that or she has to Pee
RJs: brb

14 and 15-year-olds

Kelsey Marie Poe: ha
Desiree Clausen: lol fine
Kelsey Marie Poe: yea
Kelsey Marie Poe: omgosh guess what!
Desiree Clausen: wht
Kelsey Marie Poe: im off the phone woohoo
Desiree Clausen: me 2
Kelsey Marie Poe: i think ima go make some pizza
Kelsey Marie Poe: brb
Jan Wopperer: this is hard to watch

Nacho Libre

Sister Encarnación: Where is your robe, Ignacio?
Nacho: It was... stinky. But these are my recreation clothes.
Sister Encarnación: They look expensive.
Nacho: Thank you. I mean, yes, they may have the appearance of riches, but beneath the clothes, we find a man. And beneath a man we find his... nucleus.
Sister Encarnación: Nucleus?
Nacho: Yes.

up late again...

jan: I swear, Australia still has me in her talons
designer: haha, ya, your time is whack
designer: ;-)
designer: you have no chance to survive
designer: make your time

11.21.07

Ellen: Stryker, what do you normally go for when you don't know what to do? You just do a hug, a kiss, do you just shake?
Stryker: I go for a shake, and I move a little just in case they go for it, I'm in. So I don't want them to feel weird...
Ellen: So you're ready. Right.
Stryker: I'm always ready for a hug, the double kiss, the make out-- whatever it takes, I'll do it.
Ellen: Oh, you're open for a makeout!
Stryker: Oh you throw some girl at me, I'm in. Especially during the holidays.

“bye +) oooo0ps That’s a dead cyclops with a smile.”
— Dad, gchat

12.7.07

jan: it's a long shot but let's try it
miri: mmhmm. long shots are the best kind.

kev: wtf
kev: =D
janison1: :c D

“Owen, even though you’re a lovely person and I really...”
— Anne, 11.30.07

you remind me of my friend Heather. I've...

me: I've yet to meet a great Heather.
Gn: yeah, right? I think I met one reasonable Larry once, that's it.

Body Politics: John Neffinger discusses the Democratic...

John Neffinger on Hardball

Jim is a married brokerage firm-owner...

12.47 pm
jiminbuffalo2003: you are gorgeous
Jan: I was JUST talking about you
jiminbuffalo2003: to who
Jan: to a 34-year-old loser on yahoo chat a minute ago
Jiminbuffalo2003: what?
Jan: I was telling him about this scumbag who wanted me to work under his desk and told me he'd buy me a car. I'm pretty sure that was you, mr. brokerage firm owner
jiminbuffalo2003: wait. u think i was pretending to be someone else
Jan: no. I think you were a douche. probably still are
jiminbuffalo2003: wow. i thought i was nice to you...sorry u feel that way. have a great weekend
Jan: maybe you were, but I'm pretty sure you were trying to take advantage of me
jiminbuffalo2003: i wasnt sorry
Jan: so that makes you a dirty man
jiminbuffalo2003: you are a beautiful woman, enjoy your weekend
sorry once again
Jan: yeah. and I remember the last time we talked, you were very mean
so shut up about how pretty you think I am. because it doesn't matter coming from you
jiminbuffalo2003: wow,alot of hatred there,bye jan. i took you off buddy list,and there will be no more contact,bye
Jan: good. I'm glad. go find another 18-year-old to take advantage of
I should find you online and call your wife
jiminbuffalo2003: was that a threat? i just copied that threat down,thank you
Jan: you're welcome
jiminbuffalo2003: you cant threaten people,jan,have a great day
Jan: CUTE. buzz off, you dirty man. you shouldn't be on YAHOO CHAT...you dirty dirty man
12.57 pm
So if I'm dead in the next week, it's this guy. He doesn't want his poor wife to find out he's on yahoo chat all day, talking to young girls, offering them cars, and telling them he has a job opening for them under his desk.

illuminated fish

“Tommy’s an aggressive farm boy. Tough. He got natural...”
— Dorian Price, Ultimate Fighter...

“Same shit, different people. Did I say shit?”
— Heidi Klum on Ellen about what...

Sabres v. Bruins

Rick Jeanneret: I'll tell you what, if I were Ryan Miller, I'd get up and drill Marc Savard right in the kisser. He went straight at him.
Mike Robitaille: Well he won't have to jump up high to do it.

“I just discovered how good studying in a group is. Keeps me...”
— Bill

even massages therapists get food...

Jan: can't have intestinal issues in a little massage room
Kim: it's in the best interest of the client

“I feel better after a good cry. What you don’t want to...”
— Ellen

“It all comes down to simple mathematics. I really beautiful...”
— Lundy, “Dexter”

Kim: My guardian ghost starfish monster watches over me...

My pumpkin insides before I scooped them all out.

“When you have that kinda money, you distribute it in all of...”
— Ellen

“My job is a decision-making job. And uhh, as a result, I...”
— our idiot President, talking...

making sure everyone knows the good...

jan: I passed my boards!
mint: omg! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!
jan: thank you! :c )
mint: you're so good
jan: you're GOOD
jan: :c )
mint: awesome! you know how much sexier you are now right?
mint: lol :D
jan: :c )
jan: you better watch how many times you call me sexy... I might accidentally pinch your butt when I'm in your area next

Licensed Massage Therapist

don't give me any more, please

s: god
s: the new britney song
s: is so good
jan: no.
s: god, yeah it is
s: i just want to hate f*** some shitty girl at a club
s: whilst listening

an original short story

t: last nite i got home around 430am... i walk into my backyard, its dead quiet..theres a slight breeze, i look down to see the end of my shirt slowly moving with the wind... i look straight i see stars... i sit down in my driveway, and i lay back and watch the trees dance above me with each gust of wind...clouds cover and i see the moon's faint glow behind them, then, right as im totally at peace, my cat licks my face and scares the shit outta me

"Resident Evil: Extinction" Review on...

Sept. 21, 2007any one wants to by a sony by mik3y the movie in a hole was ok , the movie kind hit...

“The summer was over… I could feel it. It always gets...”
— Leila (Lauren Lee Smith), Lie...

I’m in love with this lamp. It’s all I need.

Now I feel better about everything.

gravity

jan: there are a lot of low boobs in this world
O: yes there are
j: even these models have really low boobs
O: yeah
O: i want some
jan: you want some models?
jan: I want some models too
O: some low boobs
jan: mine are getting lower
jan: you can have mine.

chizzle: 8.31.07

Jan's tweet on twitter: Pizzle Hizzle izzle nizzle a sizzle.
Pat: on that note, Pizzle Hizzle is off to bizzle
Jan: gizzle nizzle
Pat: fo shizzle!
Jan: ma wizzle!
Pat's away message: Pizzle Hizzle is off to bizzle fo some slizzle. Fo shizzle!
Jan's away message: gizzle nizzle... yizzle fizzled up, shizzly wizzle.

GPhone

Disgusting WalMart Commercial